Precipice

1998-1999 were pretty tough times. It was during this time frame that I lost my son, Nathaniel, who for all intents and purposes was essentially kidnapped by his mother with the assistance, no less, of my father. For a time–a rather long time, I have to admit–I couldn’t really focus much on anything at all. A deep depression sat in and every child I saw reminded me of him and his bedroom, still full of his toys, clothes, bed and other belongings, was often a place in which I would simply sit and despair.

1998-1999 were pretty tough times. It was during this time frame that I lost my son, Nathaniel, who for all intents and purposes was essentially kidnapped by his mother with the assistance, no less, of my father. For a time–a rather long time, I have to admit–I couldn’t really focus much on anything at all. A deep depression sat in and every child I saw reminded me of him. His bedroom, still full of his toys, clothes, bed and other belongings, was often a place in which I would simply sit and despair.

More than once I considered making it my own ending space, but there is something inside that would always rage, “No, that path is for the cowardly and the weak. I am better than that; I will hold on“. And so I did–1,000 miles away. That scenario bore in me a kind of fear specific to family, and at that stage it seemed to me that those who had worked hardest to hurt me the most were unequivocally my family, especially my father. It was in large part that fear that has for years lead me to keep the remainder of my family at arm’s length, though I must say that most of the rest of them certainly did not deserve that.

I’m not exactly sure where this piece fits into that history, but I think that this was written somewhere around the time my world began to crumble, and I felt myself at a tipping point where nothing seemed clear and no future seemed certain.

Precipice

 

Standing Alone

Upon the Edge of Eternity

Seeing Below

All the Dreams inside of me

 

Like ants so far away

All I love’s scurrying free

In the emptiness of space

An infinity you cannot see

 

I want to fall into this dream

To swim within this sea

To hold my loves inside my grasp

And live my life freely

 

I’m standing on a precipice

Above the world below

Desperately wanting to embrace you

But how to get there I don’t know

 

Which way will I fall?

I can’t see the light

The precipice is crumbling now

And I sure could use my sight.

 

12-13-1998

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