Precipice

1998-1999 were pretty tough times. It was during this time frame that I lost my son, Nathaniel, who for all intents and purposes was essentially kidnapped by his mother with the assistance, no less, of my father. For a time–a rather long time, I have to admit–I couldn’t really focus much on anything at all. A deep depression sat in and every child I saw reminded me of him and his bedroom, still full of his toys, clothes, bed and other belongings, was often a place in which I would simply sit and despair.

1998-1999 were pretty tough times. It was during this time frame that I lost my son, Nathaniel, who for all intents and purposes was essentially kidnapped by his mother with the assistance, no less, of my father. For a time–a rather long time, I have to admit–I couldn’t really focus much on anything at all. A deep depression sat in and every child I saw reminded me of him. His bedroom, still full of his toys, clothes, bed and other belongings, was often a place in which I would simply sit and despair.

More than once I considered making it my own ending space, but there is something inside that would always rage, “No, that path is for the cowardly and the weak. I am better than that; I will hold on“. And so I did–1,000 miles away. That scenario bore in me a kind of fear specific to family, and at that stage it seemed to me that those who had worked hardest to hurt me the most were unequivocally my family, especially my father. It was in large part that fear that has for years lead me to keep the remainder of my family at arm’s length, though I must say that most of the rest of them certainly did not deserve that.

I’m not exactly sure where this piece fits into that history, but I think that this was written somewhere around the time my world began to crumble, and I felt myself at a tipping point where nothing seemed clear and no future seemed certain.

Precipice

 

Standing Alone

Upon the Edge of Eternity

Seeing Below

All the Dreams inside of me

 

Like ants so far away

All I love’s scurrying free

In the emptiness of space

An infinity you cannot see

 

I want to fall into this dream

To swim within this sea

To hold my loves inside my grasp

And live my life freely

 

I’m standing on a precipice

Above the world below

Desperately wanting to embrace you

But how to get there I don’t know

 

Which way will I fall?

I can’t see the light

The precipice is crumbling now

And I sure could use my sight.

 

12-13-1998

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Broken Heart

1998 was a busy and difficult year that had a fair amount of things “looking up” for me. I had my son living with me, the custody case appeared to be going well (little did I know how that would change), I’d become close to someone…so I’m at a bit of a loss to explain this poem. It could be that I was having regrets about the train wreck that was the relationship with my son’s mother, but I sort of doubt it because the truth is that I never really cared for her to begin with

I’d be lying if I said I could remember exactly what this was about. 1998 was a busy and difficult year that had a fair amount of things “looking up” for me. I had my son living with me, the custody case appeared to be going well (little did I know how that would change), I’d become close to someone…so I’m at a bit of a loss to explain this poem. It could be that I was having regrets about the train wreck that was the relationship with my son’s mother, but I sort of doubt it because the truth is that I never really cared for her to begin with (I know, it’s pretty sad). I’d had a fair handful of brief “relationships” with women who were enamored by the thought of a single dad, but to be honest I can’t remember a single one of their names, so I’m again drawing a blank.

Oh well. It seems sincere, at any rate, so there must have been some level of genuine pain going on at the time. I just wish I knew what it was! At least…I think I wish I knew…

Broken Heart

There’s a broken heart within these walls

A melancholy soul

A spirit walks these empty halls

Alone and unwhole

Teardrops paint the skin beneath my eyes

A sullen memory within

The past which covers up the present’s lies

A tender lover lost to my sin

A heart, which beats now in chains

Passion’s flames are flickering dim

Memories of love once lost in vain

And chances for Salvation, slim

The wind which whispers gently through the trees

O’er the river winding gently by

Finds me mournful, on my knees

My broken heart has come to die

Face the past, own the pain

No absolution comes within

The blood of true love on my hands’ a stain

And I accede to darkness creeping in.

9-6-1998

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What a man should believe

This is for my Grampa, John Vernon Ward. He passed away unexpectedly on May 13th, 2009. I’ll always regret the time I missed with him, but I’ll be eternally grateful for the example he was to me of what a man can and should be. He touched more lives than I can even imagine possible, and he’s always been my best example and inspiration among my family. I love you, Grampa. You’re my hero, and you always were.

This is for my Grampa, John Vernon Ward. He passed away unexpectedly on May 13th, 2009. I’ll always regret the time I missed with him, but I’ll be eternally grateful for the example he was to me of what a man can and should be. He touched more lives than I can even imagine possible, and he’s always been my best example and inspiration among my family. I love you, Grampa. You’re my hero, and you always were.

What A Man Should Believe

What a man should believe
You taught me by your way
How you lived and carried on
Through each and every day

You taught me to believe
That people are usually good
And reaching out in friendship
Is the way I always should

You showed in all your action
That virtue and honor define a man
And you carried them as your character
In ways you taught me to understand

You showed me how your courage
Was at the forefront of your creed
And I’m inspired by the way you faced
Every adversity and need

But amongst these many virtues
One stands so far above
And I will never, ever forget
The warmth and power of your love

I’ll always love you, Grampa
The best parts of me came from you
You taught me everything worth believing
And every word, I know, is true.

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