Sixteen

Sweet sixteen

A cake but you can’t blow out the candles

Gifts selected, gone sight unseen

Hearts overflowing, love with no handles

No hugs, no phone calls, a silence so keen

 Sweet sixteen

Wish you could see how bright the lights are

College graduation is scheduled next week

Wish you were with us, not somewhere off far,

A birthday of brightness; reaching its peak

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Your Penis

Part of my painfully bad junior high/high school poetry notebook.  Which everyone has and pulls out instead of prepping for the holidays, right? This is the last one for the night, bad grammar on top of bad poetry.  I thought I’d end on a humorous note.

Your Penis

I didn’t worry about this

when we first met

you were six feet tall

170 pounds

everything seemed normal

physically at least

We’ll discuss mentally some other time

so what if I never saw a bluge in your pants

or felt you when we were close together

I figured maybe your underwear were just too tight

or we weren’t close enough

but then I saw you naked

and it’s not like I expected something to unravel to your ankles

or for you to be the width of a blow dryer

but I at least expected a magic marker

or a dill pickle

what I got was a cocktail weenie

the condoms I bought will never fit, I thought

maybe I should cut the fingers off rubber gloves

but you brought your own

where did you find them

a new-age pet supply store?

I can just see the advertisement

“protect our chihuahuas”

so I’ve learned to masterbate in the bathroom later

and to never ask

“Is it in yet?”

because, to be honest,

I never really know

I still love you, I promise

but isn’t there a surgery for this?

7/12/1996

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WHY

Part of my painfully bad junior high/high school poetry notebook.  Which everyone has and pulls out instead of prepping for the holidays, right?

WHY

I look into your eyes deeply

You look back blankly

But don’t see me

You missed the memories

Your good times forgot me

I’m just someone in the shadows

Not there, not really

Just a reflection in your eyes

 

As I look down you leave

Don’t you remember me?

Don’t you remember the words you said

Will you marry me?

I swore it was on your lips

But no, you’d never say that

It was just a lie

Like all the good times

All the memories

That have been forgotten.

11/12/1994

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Enter into Darkness

Part of my painfully bad junior high/high school poetry notebook.  Which everyone has and pulls out instead of prepping for the holidays, right?

Enter into darkness

Into hopelessness, despair

Fall into a blackened pit

The pit of no end

Collapse into remorse & depression

Let your soul die

Now

You can find me.

2/25/1993

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Hello and Goodbye

Something happens when you say hello

A smile widens, a day gets brighter,

but strangest thing that I have found

When I say hello to you, I say goodbye to me

 

Three times with you

Three times with the previous you

My hellos are my goodbyes

 

Do you force me or have I let you?

Do you want this, or is it me?

The only thing I know for sure,

When I say hello to you it means goodbye for me.

 

This time, it is different.

If I am strong enough,

If I can make it through

I’ll say hello to me and goodbye to you

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Dream Watcher

Found this as I was cleaning out some old paperwork.  It was in a binder from college….. perhaps from 1997 or 1998?  Either way, still utter poetic hell.

 

Dream Watcher

All….

through the night

I…..

watched you sleeping

And as you took your breath and drempt

I watched over you

 

Once you sighed

As if

alone

and I wanted to be near you

In dreams

of love

of pain

of woe

Someone, someone

to watch over you

 

Angels

follow you all night

but I….

take their hands.

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Veteran

This poem was written as an entry for a writing contest at Santiago Canyon College, where I’m currently taking classes primarily in literature and philosophy. As I post this, I was just informed a few hours ago that this poem–written in about 30 minutes–has won first place in the poetry category of the contest! –Jason

Veteran

Blackened eye shines from faux-smiling face
Prepared happiness glowers into empty space
Tiny lies whispered, eyes gleam to hide the truth
First lesson learned in youth

For he is mighty, brave and tough
Weathered rage, his love—enough!
His broken bones, scarred flesh deserve the furor
Weak child-flesh of mine must be his mirror

What knuckles rapped o’er bruised cheek
Deserved, surely, for I am weak
Cowering ‘neath the arms of bloodied mom
Who knows not the horrors of Vietnam

How dare complain o’er his harsh embrace
His love revealed upon my ribs, back and face
Great sacrifice for which we pay
A price of fear, night and day

Oh brave and noble father
Purifying terror is no bother
Wake me, daddy, when the swelling’s done
Revisit battle upon your son

Thank you for the wars you’ve known
For bringing each and every one home
Showing me I can’t deserve
Your love, for I, but six, have yet to serve.

Your harsh caresses may bruise the flesh
Thanks to you, I fear not death
Eyes alight with rage fill me with dread
As I tremble ‘neath my broken bed
Afraid of you, I’ll hold my breath

Always.

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Orchards

How quickly time doth fly

When hearts are heavy and know not why

For when the dream hath ended we must go on

Cannot die, cannot die

 

But must travel ever on

Unto the setting sun at world’s end

Beyond horizon, past the dawn

Life must tend, life must tend

 

A fading dream descendeth not

Upon the weary shoulders of the traveler

Who treads the empty roads alone

Ever onward, ever on

 

Reaching unto the sky

To the orchards of the stars

Where chance binds a soul without remedy

Carry on, carry on.

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Wading

For the life of me I can’t remember a thing about this poem, the time it was written or what may have inspired it. But, perhaps, other things were weighing too heavily on me anyway.

Wading

Wading in the sea

Fading emotionally

Reaching inward slowly

A gaze inside I cannot see

Wading in the ocean

Fading my emotion

Reaching in with no commotion

A reflection of a haunting notion

Wading in my heart

Fading from a fire-start

Reaching outward to depart

A half without my counterpart

Wading in darkness

Fading from the starkness

Reaching to hear the harkness

Aching from apartness

Standing on a mountain

Looking ‘cross the cloudy sea

Seeing nothing in the distance

And just of Love, a memory.

9-6-1998

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Precipice

1998-1999 were pretty tough times. It was during this time frame that I lost my son, Nathaniel, who for all intents and purposes was essentially kidnapped by his mother with the assistance, no less, of my father. For a time–a rather long time, I have to admit–I couldn’t really focus much on anything at all. A deep depression sat in and every child I saw reminded me of him and his bedroom, still full of his toys, clothes, bed and other belongings, was often a place in which I would simply sit and despair.

1998-1999 were pretty tough times. It was during this time frame that I lost my son, Nathaniel, who for all intents and purposes was essentially kidnapped by his mother with the assistance, no less, of my father. For a time–a rather long time, I have to admit–I couldn’t really focus much on anything at all. A deep depression sat in and every child I saw reminded me of him. His bedroom, still full of his toys, clothes, bed and other belongings, was often a place in which I would simply sit and despair.

More than once I considered making it my own ending space, but there is something inside that would always rage, “No, that path is for the cowardly and the weak. I am better than that; I will hold on“. And so I did–1,000 miles away. That scenario bore in me a kind of fear specific to family, and at that stage it seemed to me that those who had worked hardest to hurt me the most were unequivocally my family, especially my father. It was in large part that fear that has for years lead me to keep the remainder of my family at arm’s length, though I must say that most of the rest of them certainly did not deserve that.

I’m not exactly sure where this piece fits into that history, but I think that this was written somewhere around the time my world began to crumble, and I felt myself at a tipping point where nothing seemed clear and no future seemed certain.

Precipice

 

Standing Alone

Upon the Edge of Eternity

Seeing Below

All the Dreams inside of me

 

Like ants so far away

All I love’s scurrying free

In the emptiness of space

An infinity you cannot see

 

I want to fall into this dream

To swim within this sea

To hold my loves inside my grasp

And live my life freely

 

I’m standing on a precipice

Above the world below

Desperately wanting to embrace you

But how to get there I don’t know

 

Which way will I fall?

I can’t see the light

The precipice is crumbling now

And I sure could use my sight.

 

12-13-1998

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